"No one has control over me. You can't and will not have any say on what I do with my life. You were never there for me, and this time I won't be there for you. You've made my life a living hell; and I swear, you'll get what you deserve. You've said you never wanted me to my fucking face. How do you think this makes me feel? Happy? I don't think so. You've said, "I wish I wasn't that stupid.." Well, bloody hell, then you shouldn't have been. We all make mistakes. I know this. But goddamn it, I'm happy to be alive. I'm glad you didn't kill me like you said you were going to years ago. I was a baby, but do you honestly think I'd forget something so hurtful? Don't worry, I'll be out of your way soon. Yeah, sure, I've had a good life, I admit it. I'm just not going to be as stupid as you were. I actually found love BEFORE a baby, and BEFORE marriage, unlike you. I'm not going to be your sorry mistake anymore; oh no. I'm going to shine. I'm going to stand out and take the stage and make this life what I want it to be, not what you think it should be for me. I'm tired of listening to you and all your bullshit lies you sell to me. I'll live the way I want to. I'll do the things I want to."
This was written about 4-5 years ago in regards to my mother. Looking back, I see how terrible of a child I really was. When I found this in my old book this evening, it made me cry. I just wanted to rip it up and never even think about it. I wanted nothing more than to think of her dead; which to me, is scary. You see, if you actually took the time to understand my childhood, you'd see it wasn't all bad. Yes, there were parts where I felt like this was going to be my whole life, but now that I think back, it was only at that point in my life that I was truly depressed and suicidal. I'm so glad I'm not like that anymore. Sure, I may say things I don't mean to other people about my mom, but honestly, I wouldn't be the person I am today without her guidance. Whatever that person might be, whatever you see in me, I'm sure that's what my dad saw in my mom at the time... I miss having a family. I miss having that male figure in my life that I've never had. That's why I like spending time with Jim. Regardless, he's my boyfriend, not the same as having a dad, and I hope will never be the same, but he is that male figure I need. I need that male presence. I need to feel loved, and actually be loved.
All the promises that were un-kept, I still remember all of them. All the promises anyone has ever made me; all never fulfilled; I remember. I remember.
"Do you really love me? Do you really want me dead; or alive to live a lie?"
