It's Friday.. Only it doesn't feel like Friday. I just want to go home and curl up in a ball and watch movies all night or play a game.
I love when his friends are over really though. Jeremy and Ryan are chill. Since they're over every weekend... It doesn't bother me much. And things are always so much better .. sneaking around when they're here... ;)
Anyway. I wish I felt like this today:
But I feel like this kind of:
Anyway, I've been getting a decent amount of money back recently from purchases made and then money earned.. Mom still owes me alot though.. but I should really owe her I guess. I just want my tax return and then I'll be happy. Maybe even enough to go get a washer and dryer that we found online. Hopefully. I have to do laundry too.. damnit. I just remembered :(
I moved to Pa back in July last year. Had the help of two friends to move my things over here since my car wasn't big enough to move everything I owned into this apartment. Well, one of them doesn't speak to me anymore, and that's partly my fault. He was my best friend, and completely betrayed me in every aspect of my life, and I just blew him off. I helped him at the point he needed it most, and I got nothing for it. I housed him, fed him, took him everywhere while his car was impounded and being fixed... and I got no respect or anything for it. Not even a thank you. And then as soon as I moved here, he stopped talking to me, alltogether. It was like I died or something..
That leads me to everyone else back "home" who called themselves my friend. I only talk to maybe... 4 people from NJ now? Maybe 5 if I'm lucky. Only three of them have even bothered to come and see me, see where I live now, see that I'm liking this arrangement I have going on right now.. As for the rest of the people that I used to talk to... I haven't heard from them in months. As for example... my so called best friend. As soon as I mentioned I was moving, she stopped talking to me, communicating with me, calling, seeing, even texting. Ignoring everything I said and asked of her... she just completely shut me down. So I stopped trying. If someone wasn't willing to try and make a friendship work with being only 2 hours away at most... then I guess the friends I have over in Cali are way better than any of the ones over here, right? That's what it seems isn't it?
As for the others... it was like I really did die. Out of sight, out of mind I guess, huh? A few of you keep saying oh we'll come up when we get a weekend off work blahblahblah... well you get every other weekend off work to go kill zombies in the woods... why don't you cut the bullshit and actually keep your promises and visit? It seems like you don't want to. And so if you truly don't want to... stop saying you will come visit and get my hopes up when you never ever come. Certain others I can understand why you can't come, no one to drive, no car etc. Understandable. But those are also the ones who actually keep in touch with me.
And no I'm not saying I can't go there either... but I'm excited to show off my place to (who I thought were) friends and shit since most of them are still at home with their parents... see what I'm saying there? Yeah, thought so. My place is good for me living technically on my own.. you bastards are still living off mommy and daddy's money. Why do you think I moved?
On to another topic... Fuck all of the 13 year old whores that are alive today. Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. Not just back home but this area as well. I guess it's just inevitable that wherever you go, there are going to be sluts from the ages of 14-17. First of all, you have a new boyfriend every week, and after a week of dating you say I love you to him and then things go wrong and you're single again. Scuse me... you want a good relationship with someone, wait till you feel the damn love then proclaim you feel it and pray to god the guy says it back. You can't love someone after a week of knowing them...unless they were your best friend to begin with, then it's understandable.
Nextly, you, stop talking to everybody like you know everything. Whore, you have just about slept with every guy you know in the tri-state area and they've all come to hate you. One, because you screw everyone over saying shit you'll do that you never have any intention of doing and say all other girls are whores... when they sleep with one guy. You're probably only saying it because you've slept with him and god forbid they sleep with someone you had a one night stand with... shutthehelluphoe, thats what a one night stand IS, blondie. Get over it.
On to the next... don't you just love when someone gets a boyfriend and they stop talking to you, calling you "best friend" and the automatically disappear once said relationship has taken off and they're completely in love with said person and you're left in the dust like some dumbshit thinking why did I even bother? You know they're just going to come crawling back to you once that relationship is over and you're also left wondering why don't you just choose me instead of going out with other guys blahblahblah. Yeah. Thought so. Just realize that all people are going to hurt you, no matter what. It's something you can't run away from.
Lastly. Drugs. DrugsFaggotsHollywood, as I like to say. It's a song, and I quite like the meaning it gives. All you little girls who are saying oh I'm so high right now or oh I'm so drunk and you're fucking underage... stop posting it to facebook! You unknowingly stupid twatwhores! Who gives a rats ass if you're "so high you can't function" or if you live off rum and vodka everyday. There are some people in this world, like me, who could give a shit less that you're all doped up. And then you wonder why other people don't like you at all. Cut the bullshit. I'm not saying oh don't smoke dope, don't drink alcohol, don't do coke... it's a personal choice of yours.. you want to fuck up your life, do it. But don't bring down the other people who you claim to be your friends with you.. Stop posting that shit to facebook and get a fucking life. Do it in private, do it in your home, wherever you want. But if you get caught.. that's your problem and you know it.
And people wonder why I gave up trying to make new friends, trying to find a relationship, trying to do something other than myself... I don't want to have to deal with bullshit and lies all the time. That's all people are anymore and I'm not falling for it in anyone. Someone can be the sweetest person in the world... and then they smoke crack and you then understand why... because they're fucking up their own lives. Sigh.
From now on I'm sticking with me. And only me. Whoever is around me and wants to join, go for it. I like where I'm at in life, I guess. And no one is going to tell me otherwise how to live. If I choose to live here, Cali, Florida, Finland, Hawaii... idgaf. I'll leave everything and everyone behind if it means I'll be better off... and that's exactly what I did last year.
There's a song that I can't stop singing, and it has to be one of my favorite songs I've ever heard by a band that is nothing less than amazing in concert. They're from Finland, and have been over in the USA enough times for me to see them more than once. He's such a comic on stage, facial expressions don't do him justice and that accent is amazing.
Here are the lyrics to their song "The Misery". It's an amazingly written song, performed great on stage, and hold so much meaning behind it.
I write the lines you want me to,
With the words I dare to use of all the ones that you have taught me,
Along the years
You cast a perfect shadow on the paper, fade away with sunlight,
I fear the way you know me, love can leave a stain...
You steal my only hope and make me stay awake another night,
I wish you bare with me, stay near me
When the Autumn leaves have fallen...
Solitude, my pain, the last thing left of me..
If you fall I’ll catch, if you love I’ll love,
And so it goes, my dear, don’t be scared, you’ll be safe,
This I swear. If you only love me
Seven lonely lies written on Deadwinter’s night,
open the only book with the only poem I can read
In blood I sign my name and seal the midnight with a tear,
burn the paper, every line for them I cried…
If you fall I’ll catch, if you love I’ll love,
and so it goes, my dear, don’t be scared, you’ll be safe,
this I swear. If you only love me back
I am the Playwriter and you are my Crown, make me cry for your love,
like you’ve done many times,
so I know I can’t write these storylines without you, Lady pain,
make me strong, can’t we be together without them forever
The words I write can only hurt you, sorry for the rain, thank you,
my only one, you gave me this pain
I leave you gently on the floor, take one step towards the door,
where’s the letter never written, goodnight now
It's been a long week so far. I failed to write yesterday, and I'm not going to be writing much today either. I just have too much to do. But I've come to realize something... I'm way too nice to people. Friends, family, etc... and I never get anything in return. I'm still waiting on checks from mom and my taxes and shit. I need to make more money. Maybe I should start stripping. That'll work. Yeah... there we go. -_- No, I won't do that. I'm not pretty enough anyway. I need to start losing weight. I want to be smaller. Too bad I can't shrink. I want to be taller too. Anyone want to cut off my feet at my ankles... I think that would be a good height for me, no? I wish I was like 5 foot 5 inches... goddamn stupid family genes. And I have big feet too. I hate them. I look like bigfoot, and it's scary sometimes. Sigh.
Anyway. My back is killing me so much. Whenever I have my period, combine that with arthritis in my lower back... I'm about ready to keel over everyday. I hate being a girl sometimes... I really do. And other times... I love it. Nothing is ever easy though, is it? :(
I just want today to be over with so I can go home and sleep/rest/relax and take a nice hot bath; which I haven't done in a real real long time.
I don't write any blogs on weekends, I'm never really on a phone or computer because there's so much either going on or for me to do I just never get around to it.
Hockey went awesome yesterday for the guys. Both teams won one game. The first game was a complete shut out though, which sucked because it was just goal after goal after goal.. in which they tired themselves out and lost the second game, which is okay. This is going to be a good series I can see.
Finally got my shirt for the team :) makes me smile that the guys like me and all... I like having people to see occasionally and talk to when I go there.
Got some awesome pictures of the teams, going to take more next week again just because I can, and probably take better ones also; damn sun was positioned wrong and want to get clearer ones on a nice day. I hope it doesn't snow this weekend. It says it's supposed to again. :(
Lauren and Shawn got engaged, congrats guys; so super happy for you two! Haven't known you long but I wish you the best of luck with everything.
I had a cuddle buddy Saturday night. It made me smile.. even though I was squished into the wall haha. I guess that was payback for all the times in KU that we had that tiny bed to sleep on... it's alright though. I don't care if I'm squished really.. ^_^
Oh well, back to work. Well, it's lunch time now and I think I'm going to go get some food from Burger King or something. For Jim too. Oh yeah, and deliver him his girlscout cookies haha. He only gets one box so he has to make them last! Although they'll probably be gone within a matter of minutes.
-Koral Dawn
ps; the title of this has nothing to do with the post, lol.
