Day Ten.

Something Meaningful To You.

little child, dry your crying eyes. how can I explain the fear you feel inside? cause you were born into this evil world; where man is killing man and no one knows just why. what we have become just look what we have done. all that we destroyed; you must build again. little child, you must show the way to a better day for all the young. cause you were born for all the world to see that we all can live with love and peace. no more presidents, and all the wars will end. one united world; under god. what have we become? just look what we have done. all that we destroyed you must build again. no more presidents; and all the wars will end. one united world; under god. when the children cry, let them know we tried. cause when the children sing, then the new world begins...

This song was written about me, then the lyrics sold to White Lion. My dad wrote this, about his child (me) who was to be born. I have fallen in love with it and I can tell it is definitely my father's writing. 

Side Effects.

I SOMETIMES DON'T MIND THESE SIDE EFFECTS OF MY SO CALLED LIFE.

They're what make me. They're what break me. They're what twist and turn my world into what it is today. As I sit here wondering why, I think to myself: I know the answer, I know why already. I hate to think of the truth, I hate to think that I could be right. I don't want to be right as to why this is all happening. Things happen for a reason... They do indeed. They happen because someone wants me to fail. Someone wants me to be miserable. Someone has control over me, and I do not like it. These are the side effects of my so called life. I'll lie there in bed, tossing and turning, trying to hold onto the thing I love the most.. It pushes me away. It doesn't want to hold me. It doesn't want my love. Do you know how this makes me feel? Well, neither do I. It confuses me. I try so hard to do everything right but yet, I fail. I always fail.When I wake up in the morning, it's there. When I come home from class, it's there. It knows how to make me smile when I'm down. It knows what to make me to eat (even though it'll make me try new things, I don't mind). It knows how to pick me up when I'm down. There is nothing it could do that would make me love them any less. I wish it was there everyday. I wish it was forever. One day. Maybe. Possibly. These are the side effects of my so called life. My so called friends never ask about me. They never call me. They never try.  I feel alone in this world at the moment with the exception of him. I have no friends here. I have no life here except when he's here. There is nothing for me out here besides him. My "friends" from home don't even visit me. My family doesn't visit me, no matter how much I tell them I don't want them here, they still never surprise me. Some family. I'd like to see some of them sometime. And then they complain when I don't see them when I'm home... Come here; don't wait for me to tell you I'm home. These are the side effects of my so called life. God forbid I actually feel happy for once, right? Well, you know what; I am happy with one aspect of my life for once: him. Fuck the rest of this shit. College, professors, people, assholes, bullshit that follows me around from Jersey to Penn; and I'm sick of it. I'm not even in the goddamn state, leave me be.  Let me lead my own life; let me do my own thing. I'm sick of finding all the pieces of my life on the floor just to try and pick them back up again and again. Give me something different. Give me something new. Give me something unusual, that I've never had before. Impossible... and yet; These are the side effects of my so called life.

Day Eight.

Current Favorite Bands/Music Obsession.

My top favorite four bands always stay the same: HIM, Kill Hannah The Rasmus and Razed In Black. I'll always go out of my way for those bands. Yes, one is industrial.. So? I happen to love industrial music; get over it. It's the bands after those three that like to change it up depending on what type of mood I'm in on a particular day. I Am Ghost will always have a place in my heart, I never got to see them perform live, and I wish I had because I love their music. I wish I had gotten to see them. The next band I am dearly in love with is 30 Seconds To Mars... not because Jared Leto is fucking gorgeous, but because the music actually means something when you listen to it, and the lyrics are phenomenally written. I have yet to see them in concert still, and I've loved their music for years now. I need to see them before I die; that's a fact. So let's move on into other bands: Mind.In.A.Box: Their music can be soothing, magical and can make me want to go to a rave and just... rave all night long. When you think about it, industrial music isn't supposed to have amazingly written lyrics, just amazing beats. Well this band has both of them; and I just can't get enough of them at all. I really want to go to Kenetik Festival in Montreal this May to see them and all the other Industrial bands that are going to be there.. but I just don't have the money to go anywhere now that I am away in college... And I hate that I can't go. The other bands that I will do anything for include William Control and Aiden (same person technically), Vampires Everywhere!, The Misfits, The Zombie Mafia, Sirena, September Mourning, Modern Day Escape, and Motionless In White. Most of the members in these bands I just listed are friends. Sirena is made up of a bunch of people I know, and so is The Zombie Mafia. I do pictures for The Misfits every year in October, and a few of the other bands whenever they come around. I can't wait for Aiden to go back on tour so I can see WiL again; I miss him, and I love that he knows me by name now after spending some time with him on his last tour. I'm getting older now, and starting to become friends with the bands instead of being a groupie like I admit I used to be. I'm dressing differently when I go to shows; not to be a whore, but to show that I don't need to wear jeans and sneakers to a show anymore and I'm an actual fucking human being who can still enjoy the music. I'm changing, and I'm changing for the better. I'm becoming who I want to be in the music business; I just haven't gotten there completely yet.

Day Seven.

Something That You Miss.

Something that I miss? Well to put it plainly: Dad. I know I've said this before in previous entries, but this is bone hard medical fact. I miss my dad. I haven't seen him in aver 9 years (as you know) and I think that's part of the reason I am depressed so much. I'm missing the dad in my life. I mean yes, we talk on the phone and make plans to see each other.... but they always fall through. They never go according to plan, and that's what kills me the most. He always says things, gets my hopes up, and then everything falls apart and it makes me slightly more depressed than what it has been. If I don't go to him, he will not come to me; and I know this for a fact. I'm going to have to drag my ass down to Florida, AGAIN, just to see him, and if he comes through, I'll get to see him. And I'll be sure to bring my baseball bat or hockey stick to beat the shit out of him; after I hug and kiss him for the first time in 9 years...
There's also something else I miss... at the current moment: Jim. It's been almost two weeks since I've seen him last; and I miss him terribly. They always say a little bit of distance is good for the heart: it makes you love the person more and more with each mile you're apart. Well, I truly miss him enough to say that. I miss his touch, his kiss, his body, his face; his everything. In the short time we've been together,  he has managed to pick me up off my feet (literally) and make me feel alive again. I love him, and I miss him all too much for my own good. Being away from him for 2 weeks at a time is hard enough; the summer is going to be rough because I'll be back in Jersey... if I don't get summer housing; which I'm hoping I can get this summer because well, I'm really liking living on my own... away from all the bullshit, and I'm closer to him this way.... I'd do anything for love; anything.

Day Six.

This Month.

This month has been an adventure. It has come to an end; abruptly. It flew past, just like Christmas did and New Years and I'm still amazed that I am where I am right now.... I never thought I'd make it this far. I'm living on my own. I'm away at college. I don't want to start having a panic attack while I'm on my own; I'll freak out. But, anyway, so this month has been amazing. I found love. I found hate. I found happiness inside myself I thought I'd never see again for a very, very long time. January has been an adventure to say the least, and I'm glad I am where I am now. I'm almost stress free. Almost away from everything back home and all the bullshit in South River. A great, great amount of stress has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel I can breathe again for once. I think people are finally realizing that I'm growing up, meaning family, and they have learned that they don't need to hear from me every goddamn day in order to make sure I'm alive. Of course I'm alive. I don't die; I won't die. Needless to say, January was a pretty amazing month for me. I learned alot about myself that I didn't know, and while I'm here in school, I know I'll be learning a way lot more than I hope to.